Vicki

Female

50 years old

 

I am a 50 year old woman.  My first experience with depression was after the birth of my 3^rd child.  I think I may have had it prior to that but it went undiagnosed until he was about a year old.

 

I withdrew from everyone, including my husband.  I believe that is what led to the break-up of my marriage when my youngest was 6 months old. Since that time it's been a roller coaster ride.

 

I was a single mum to 3 young boys for a number of years and just had to keep going so I did.  Looking back, I am not really sure how I managed but I think it was just because “I had to”.

 

I have been to counselling, had numerous medications but still the ride continues.  Like most people who suffer from depression, I have my ‘happy face’ and some people don’t even realise what happens on the inside.

 

My boys now treat me like a door mat, my ex husband does not even speak to me.  I have a wonderful man in my life now who is a fantastic support to me.  But there must be times when he thinks to himself, “here we go again”. 

 

I go to work every day and some days it's a struggle and I really don’t feel like speaking to anyone but, working in a call centre, that's my job … so the happy face goes up and during my shift I try and forget about me.  It's funny but I really love my job and I think that at times it's my customers who make me forget just for a little while.

 

I know that there are days when I basically can’t be bothered and I really just don’t want to get out of bed, but I do it anyway.  There are days when I don’t want to clean the house, and there are probably days when I just don’t do it - well I know there are - and then I have a good day so I clean away.

 

I have found where I work that there is no stigma about depression, which is good,  and it is openly discussed which is a rarity these days.  The girl I sit next to is always thanking the Dr for ‘my little blue happy pills’.  Personally I call mine crazy pills.  But whatever the name they help. 

 

Sometimes more, sometimes less, but I try to keep a positive thought that there is always someone worse off. There are times when I sit and cry, there are times when I am reasonably happy or pretending to be for those around me.

 

Either way I am getting through.  I am still constantly tired and I am now having major nightmares but still it's a soldier on thing.

 

Just one day I would like to say that “I am normal", but who knows what normal is or if there is such a thing?

 

13 June, 2011